"What Am I Going For? Where?" — A Metaphor of the Journey Through the Desert

The physical dimension of the crisis

The author describes the journey through the desert in terms of physical suffering. Feet sink ankle-deep into the sand, every step equals climbing a flight of stairs, and by the hundred-and-fiftieth floor the limbs turn to calluses. This is not simply fatigue — it is exhaustion bordering on the impossibility of continuing.

This metaphor precisely conveys what it felt like to live in Russia in 1993. The economic crisis wasn't an abstraction from the news — it was a daily physical reality for tens of millions of people. Hyperinflation of 26-fold over the preceding year meant that wages lost value literally before your eyes. People got paid and ran to the store, because tomorrow that same sum would buy half as much.

The devaluation of labor and life

The purchasing power of Sberbank savings deposits fell by 94 percent. Imagine: a person saved money their whole life, put it aside for old age, for their children, for an apartment — and overnight those savings turned into nothing. Decades of labor, millions of hours of work, were devalued down to symbolic sums that couldn't even buy a week's worth of groceries.

That is exactly what turning feet into calluses means. You work, you toil, you make the effort — and the result trends toward zero. Every day is like climbing an endless staircase, and with every floor it only gets harder, because your strength is running out and there's no end in sight.

«What am I going for? Where?» — the loss of bearings

The central question of the fragment: what am I going for? Where? The hero doesn't know the answer. He walks after the tank, toward the billowing dust. But why? What's there? Is there even anything there besides new suffering?

This is a key metaphor for the state of Russian society during the constitutional crisis. The country was moving in an unknown direction. The reforms were carried out under slogans of building a market economy and a democratic society, but reality didn't match the promises. Where does this road lead? To prosperity or to catastrophe?

Promises beyond the horizon

Vera tells the hero: there's water there, they'll save us there. This is the voice of hope, the voice of those who still believed in a bright future. The reformers promised that all you had to do was endure, get through the difficult period — and after that everything would work out. Yeltsin and his government spoke of the need to "tighten your belt," to survive hard times for the sake of future well-being.

But how much can you endure? When will that future arrive? "If only I could know what awaits beyond the distant line, out there past the horizon, and why one must suffer so" — this isn't a rhetorical question. It is the cry of despair of millions of people who did not understand what they were losing their savings, their jobs, their familiar life for.

The political crisis as a loss of meaning

By 1993, the political situation in the country had reached the point of absurdity. Two branches of power — the president and the parliament — both claimed legitimacy, accusing each other of usurping authority and violating the Constitution. Both sides insisted they were acting in the interests of the people and the country.

But what did this mean for an ordinary person? Who to believe? Who to follow? The president said parliament was blocking necessary reforms. Parliament claimed the president was destroying the country and trampling the Constitution. Both were right, and both were wrong, at the same time.

Dual power and paralysis

After September 21, when Yeltsin signed the decree dissolving parliament, the country found itself in a state of legal absurdity. The Supreme Soviet declared the president's powers terminated. The Constitutional Court ruled Yeltsin's actions unconstitutional. But the president continued exercising his powers, relying on the support of the security services.

Who was the legitimate head of state? Yeltsin, or Rutskoy, whom the Supreme Soviet had declared acting president? Which laws were in force — those passed by parliament, or the president's decrees? Where do you go if you don't know who is in power and what rules apply?

«It's over!» — the moment of capitulation

On the two-hundredth floor, the hero falls onto the sand and utters: «It's over!» The end. No more strength left. It's impossible to go on. This is the moment of total capitulation to circumstances.

Many Russians in 1993 experienced exactly this state. Apathy, a sense of the futility of any effort. Why work, if your wages are losing value? Why save, if your savings are burning away? Why plan anything, if everything might change tomorrow?

Social apathy and survival

According to sociological polls of the time, most of the population was in a state of depression and confusion. People did not participate in political life, were not interested in what was happening — they simply tried to survive. Find food, pay the utility bills, not lose their job. All their strength went into elementary physical survival.

The April referendum showed an interesting picture: a majority expressed trust in Yeltsin, but at the same time came out in favor of early elections for both president and parliament. People just wanted this nightmare to end — it didn't matter how. If only there could be certainty, if only it could become clear where to go next.

Vera as the voice of continuation

The hero is accompanied by a woman named Vera — a symbolic name ("Vera" means "faith" in Russian) that is hard not to notice. Vera encourages him, pulls him by the hand, doesn't let him stop. When the hero falls, she resorts to physical force — "a hail of slaps massaged his skull and rib cage."

This is an image of the force that made people keep on living even in the hardest of conditions. Faith here isn't necessarily religious or ideological. It's the faith that life goes on, that you have to keep walking, because the alternative is death in the desert.

The absurdity of continuing

But the author doesn't romanticize this faith. The dialogue is built on mutual insults and physical violence. "Shut up. No strength left to argue. Get lost." — "Get up, you fool. Let's go." This isn't lofty mutual support, but crude coercion into continuing the journey.

This is exactly how many perceived life in Russia at that time. Not a heroic overcoming of hardship, but dumb stubbornness, an unwillingness to give up simply because giving up means dying. Not a noble struggle for a bright future, but the animal desire to survive one more day.

The renunciation of faith: «If you're a fool, stay behind without me»

A moment comes when even Vera gives up on the hero. "If you're a fool, stay behind without me," she says, and leaves. Faith isn't infinite. Patience has a limit. Hope has a boundary.

This is an important metaphor for understanding the events of autumn 1993. Why did the standoff turn into armed conflict? Why couldn't a compromise be found? Because both sides had exhausted their reserve of patience. Yeltsin no longer wanted to negotiate with parliament. The Supreme Soviet no longer believed the president's promises.

The breaking of the social contract

In a broader sense, 1993 became the year of the final breaking of the unwritten social contract that had existed in Soviet society. The state promised to take care of its citizens — providing jobs, housing, education, healthcare. In exchange, citizens gave up political freedoms and accepted restrictions.

The new system tore up that contract. The state no longer guaranteed social benefits. But the freedoms that were supposed to come in return also turned out to be illusory. When tanks fired on parliament on October 4, it finally became clear: there would be no new contract. There is only power and violence.

Thirst as a metaphor for the economic crisis

The end of the fragment brings us back to physical suffering. "I wanted a drink. My throat went dry, started to burn. A wave of fire rolled down my esophagus." Thirst isn't just discomfort — it's a threat to life. Without water, a person dies.

The economic crisis of 1993 was exactly that kind of threat for millions of people. Not an abstract deterioration in statistical indicators, but a real threat to physical survival. People couldn't afford food. Pensioners couldn't pay for medicine. Families couldn't heat their homes in winter.

The statistics of the catastrophe

Over 1992-1993, the standard of living for most of the population fell by several times over. Real incomes shrank by more than 40 percent. A third of the population fell below the poverty line. Mortality rose, the birth rate fell. A demographic crisis began, the consequences of which are still felt today.

The privatization carried out using vouchers turned into a grand deception. In August 1992, President Yeltsin introduced anonymous privatization vouchers by decree, overriding a law on personalized privatization accounts that parliament had passed. This was done during the Supreme Soviet's summer recess, when most deputies had left Moscow — so they wouldn't have time to challenge the decision.

«It's unpleasant to die of thirst» — the existential outcome

The fragment's final line sounds almost comic in its literalness: "My God, how unpleasant it is to die of thirst." The hero states the obvious truth in such simple language that it draws a bitter smile. Unpleasant. Yes, definitely unpleasant, dying of thirst in the desert.

But behind this apparent simplicity lies deep bitterness. Because this is exactly how many Russians perceived their lives in 1993. Unpleasant to lose all your savings. Unpleasant not to know if you'll have a job tomorrow. Unpleasant to watch the country fall apart. Unpleasant to watch tanks fire on parliament in the center of the capital.

The absence of heroics

The author deliberately avoids any heroics or pathos. The hero does not fight against circumstances, does not call for struggle, does not deliver lofty speeches. He simply states a fact: dying of thirst is unpleasant. This is the honesty of hopelessness.

This is exactly how most Russians perceived the situation. No romance of revolutionary change, no enthusiasm for building a new society. Just fatigue, despair, and a sense of the absurdity of what was happening. What was it all for? What were the sufferings for? What awaits beyond the horizon?

The desert as the state of society

The desert in the novel is not simply a setting, but a metaphor for the state of Russian society. The desert is a place with no familiar bearings, where every step is taken with difficulty, where thirst and death are a constant threat. Where the horizon beckons with the promise of salvation, but never draws closer.

Russian society in 1993 was in exactly that state. The old bearings had disappeared along with the collapse of the USSR. New ones had not yet formed. The economy was destroyed, the political system was dysfunctional, social bonds were weakened. People moved by inertia, not knowing where they were going or why.

The red sky and the motionless crystal

The hero looks at the sky: "A red sky, brown clouds, and a motionless crystal on high." Red has traditionally been associated with blood, revolution, violence. The brown clouds — perhaps a nod to fascism, to totalitarianism. The motionless crystal — a symbol of something cold, indifferent, eternal.

The sky doesn't change. Over the desert of suffering and death hangs this red sky with its motionless crystal — a symbol of the indifference of higher powers, or of fate. No one is coming to help. Nothing will change the situation from the outside. The hero can die in the desert, and the sky will remain just as red and indifferent.

Continuing the journey: necessity without meaning

Despite the despair, despite the desire to give up, the hero nevertheless gets up and takes a few steps. "The massage had an invigorating effect. I stood up... took a step, a second, a third." Physical force, even in the form of blows, makes the body move.

This is a metaphor for how Russian society functioned amid crisis. People kept living not because they believed in a bright future, but because they physically couldn't stop. You had to go to work, even if you weren't paid. You had to buy food, even if you barely had enough money. You had to keep existing, because the alternative was death.

Mechanical movement without faith

But after Vera leaves, the hero falls again. Without faith — even in such a crude, material form — it's impossible to continue. A person cannot move forward without at least a minimal sense of why they're doing it.

The events of October 1993 were, in large part, a result of exactly this loss of meaning. When people stop understanding why they need a government that is impoverishing them, or a parliament that cannot protect their interests, they become indifferent. And amid a society's indifference, power resolves conflicts by force.

Conclusion: the desert as a verdict

The scene ends with the hero lying on his back in the desert, dying of thirst. He hasn't reached his goal, hasn't found salvation, hasn't gotten an answer to the question "what am I going for? where?" He has simply exhausted his strength and stopped.

This is a grim but honest metaphor for the state of Russia in 1993. The country was moving in an unknown direction, losing strength with every step. The promises of salvation turned out to be mirages. The conflict between the branches of power was resolved by violence, but brought no answers to the main questions: where are we going? What are these sufferings for? What awaits beyond the horizon?

The author gives no answers, because there are none. There is only the desert, the red sky, thirst, and the unknown. There is only the meaningless stubbornness to keep going when your strength has run out. There is only the question that hangs in the air unanswered: "If only I could know what awaits beyond the distant line, out there past the horizon, and why one must suffer so."

Russia in 1993 was exactly that kind of desert — a place where people suffered without understanding why, where every step was taken with incredible effort, where the horizon promised salvation but never drew closer. And when their strength ran out, there was nothing to be found but violence and blood on the sand of this metaphorical desert.